I spend so much time worrying about beginning a task that I end up spending more energy dreading starting a project than I actually do in the completion of the project.

Me, but I'm sure I am not the first to say this.

I cannot say how many times I have put off starting a project because I was intimidated by how much effort it would take to complete it. It could be something as ambitious as refinishing all of the kitchen cabinets or as trifling as chopping an onion. The thought of the act of doing the task puts me off so that I never begin. I graduated from college twenty-five years ago and I still have dreams about failing to turn in assignments and hoping that somehow things will turn out alright. I think if you want to get the true horror of what it is like to be a person that suffers from depression this really encapsulates it. I can rationally telly myself that I should just get up and get started because I always get done even if it is at the last minute, and I always say, "that was not so bad" but I don't learn from it.

Fear is such a destructive thing in our lives. There are things to fear. Our bodies have adapted certain processes to channel fear into actions that promote survival, but what do we do when fear paralyzes?

Even in my deepest bouts of depression I rarely spend a whole day in bed, but I do hide away. I will spend countless hours on the internet watching shows and moving intuitively from site to site until I am out of time and I cannot begin the task I knew I should be doing. I have no idea what I fear but it is there. This is especially damning because I am a pastor and we are supposed to boldly go forth and help people deal with their own problems. When my problems get in the way I berate myself for not meeting other people's needs and for having the character flaw of paralyzing fear. Is it any wonder that I need drugs and therapy just to keep my head above water?

This is where yoga has become my teacher. Early on we develop a set of skills that allow us to "do" certain poses and we feel comfortable in class. Then perhaps the teacher throws in a new poses that is inaccessible to us and we are not ready. In this instance fear might kick in and I may develop an aversion to the mat or at least to that pose. I have learned through time that coming back to a pose again and again helps to move past the fear. Failure is not an end but a measuring stick of where we are. Sooner or later poses that seemed out of reach become favorites. So how do I then take this simple truth and apply it to more aspects of my life? Hopefully I will have the courage to show up and keep asking.

Dharma, Vocation and Spiritual Gifts

It is better to strive in one’s own dharma than to succeed in the dharma of another. Nothing is ever lost in following one’s own dharma. But competition in another’s dharma breeds fear and insecurity.” ~ Krishna from The Bhagavad Gita

¹⁴Indeed, the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵If the foot would say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶And if the ear would say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁷If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰As it is, there are many members, yet one body. - 1 Corinthians 12:14-20

I sat down the other day while trying to figure out where I am going in my life and created a list of things that I am good at doing and another list of those that I am not good at doing. While I cannot say that any of the results bothered me because I have been living in this brain and body for forty seven  years but it became very clear that I have pent almost all of my adult life pursuing  a career niche that places high value on things that I cannot do well and minimizes or completely excludes things I do well. This is not to say that there is not some corner defined as pastoral ministry where I can ply my skills effectively, but it is true that in the role of solo pastor in a small congregation most of the daily tasks are  very costly to an INTP with ADHD and dyslexia. I wish I had known these things years ago, but the only thing to do now is to try to make each moment and action meaningful.

After learning about it a few years ago I have found the concept of dharma very helpful. Everyone has a purpose in life.In the Gita Krishna reminds Arjuna that to be a soldier is his dharma and to not pursue that would be a great sin. The Lutheran concept of vocation for all people is similar in this respect. In the time of Martin Luther vocation generally meant a call to holy orders, but Luther himself recognized that all work done in the living out of life purpose is holy. He is credited with saying that the milk maid has as much a vocation as a priest (reference needed) So the question as I look over my lists is, "What can I do as a vocation/occupation that allows me to play to my strengths while also limiting exposure to tasks for which I am not suited?" I do dot mean that everything has to be fun, but repeatedly attempting to do work that is not your dharma is a great curse.

When St. Paul wrote to the church at Corinth he knew that one of their problems was that they had created a hierarchy of gifts so that some people were undervalued and others were overvalued. His analogy of the body is not intended to ask "What part of the body am I?" but to illustrate that there is interdependence in all communities. While it is farcical to suggest that hands, feet and eyes do not need each other (and offensive to people who have lost body parts that everything has to be present to be considered whole)  many communities, churches included, often do not even affirm that some parts exist all together. There exists a list of things that have to be done and if you want to be a part of it you must do one of those things even if it does not suit you. Those things may have to get done but what about the potential for other things that is swept under the rug by shortsighted leadership?

To bring all of these concepts together an organization will function best when each person is allowed to pursue their dharma/vocation recognizing that it is in the interest of all that this is allowed to happen. Having people in tasks that suit them honors the way that God has granted gifts and leads to contentment among those involved. This does not solve my current quandary, but it begins to give names to the demons that have haunted me for two decades. Simply knowing that inability to do certain things well is not a character flaw is very liberating to me and helps me to sharpen what direction(s) will bring contentment and hopefully financial security that I have never known.  

Self Deception and the Incarnation of Christ

He was in the world, and the world came into being through him; yet the world did not know him. He came to what was his own, and his own people did not accept him. 

 In yogic thought Avidya is one of the greatest blockages than can come before the spiritual pilgrim. Often this word is translated as Ignorance, but without the negative connotations we normally associate with that word. I prefer to think of it as self-deception or inability to see things as they truly are. If we are to make progress we must learn to recognize avidya and learn to break it down as an obstacle for our growth.

In yoga practice avidya can arise out of many things. In a class I might see someone who easily demonstrates a pose I have struggled with for years. It may well be that this person has attained their facility through years of dedication or perhaps God simply made them that way. My belief that I should be able to do it shows that I am deceiving myself. Avidya may cause pain in things other than asana. Many of us carry around scars of bad experiences. These scars may be on the body but the truly destructive ones are invisible wounds on the psyche. (here I am using psyche in the sense of the Greek term "nous" which means the whole rational self) In my students and myself I often see hesitation and retreat from challenging situations because we are afraid of the consequences. We are afraid of what failure might mean for us in the eyes of others, often because we have already extinguished any hope of self worth. We may also fear success because it would challenge the destructive thought patterns that occur in the endless loop of shame and self doubt.

As the study of the self, yoga is an excellent tool for overcoming avidya. The confidence that grows as the body becomes stronger and more supple through regular asana practice speaks to us on a very deep level. A slow meditative practice can yield a new understanding of the total self that detaches outcome from identity so that we do not fear failure as a reflection on our value. Such a practice may combine forward and back bends so that we explore the inner self but don't lose sight of our connection to the world.

Applying the notion of avidya to the passage from St. John's Gospel account reveals some interesting insight both in Jesus' day and ours. How is it that a people who longed for their Messiah could miss him when he comes? How is it that so many people today declare  faith in Christ and embrace a Darwinian form of capitalism that creates inequities that Jesus of Nazareth would never tolerate? (ironically often denying Darwin's belief in the mutability of species)  Self deception and the inability to see things and ourselves as they truly are sheds some light on the subject. We do not know ourselves and therefore often miss Christ when he is standing right in front of us in another person. We are filled with fear of vulnerability and loss and therefore close ourselves off and miss opportunities to be Christ to the other.

As we prepare to celebrate the Incarnation of the Christ Child can we also celebrate the possibility of the incarnation of Christ through us and our neighbors. If we leave him as a baby in the manger he is no threat to us and he may also not be our savior, but instead an idol that supports our self deception. Even if you have no desire to practice yoga asana (poses) you can still use the emphasis of turning inward to see the truth then turning outward to share. In this way we do not say that Christ came into the world we can see and participate in his continuous presence in the world.